For the afraid queer kids who grew up in a religious household.
“When I think about that stuff, it feels like someone took a shovel and dug out all my insides. And I know there’s nothing in there, but I’m still too nervous to open myself up and check. I know there’s something wrong with me. My parents know it too, even if they don’t say anything.” The film I Saw the TV Glow provides a new perspective for not only trans people, but also for all people who are part of the LGBTQ+ community.
As a closeted 17-year-old bisexual and at the same time falling in the ace spectrum of being a demisexual, I always knew that I felt different than most people, but I was too afraid to explore what’s inside me because what if it’s just a phase like they say? What if I’m wrong about myself after all, I’m still so young? What if there is nothing to explore and I’m just thinking about myself too much? If you grew up in a religious household all of these questions will also make you feel guilty because God never made gay people after all, there’s no Steve in Adam and Eve. So, repressing myself became easier. It was the panacea to my sexuality. Not opening myself up and burying it deep within because if I never open myself up there will be nothing to check. This was the easier option, but you can only contain and bury yourself so much eventually, it will come out of you, and you have to acknowledge it. Just like Owen who sees a part of herself in The Pink Opaque, I also saw myself in the media that I consumed. The growing LGBTQ+ representations in the media allowed me to see my reality and to live with it or at least, know who I really am but still be stuck inside.
The creator of the film, Jane Schoenbrun talks about Owen who’s sheltered and lives in the suburbs but that doesn’t mean she’s safe. She’s still tortured to conform to society. She may have a comfortable life but that doesn’t mean she’s living comfortably. No queer person is safe from this heteronormative society. You can acknowledge and know yourself but showing it to the world is always the hardest part. It’s the part that makes you want to stay inside forever but there are people who can help you like Maddy in the film who allows Owen to explore her gender, it reminded me of the loving friends that I have who accept me for who I am and make me feel that there are people out there who don’t care about sexuality or gender, they only mind who you are as a person. You are not just your gender or your sexuality, but you are you.
“There is still time” the film illustrated near its end but after this it showed Owen who’s old and suffocating from repressing her true self. There is still time, but it is limited, and you have to come to terms with yourself sooner or time will catch up on you. This reminded me that I have hope and I have time, but I still have this impending dread of waiting too much and coming out to the world too late because I’m too scared of what the heteronormative society will think of who I am. I’m still garnering the courage to show myself to the world. It’s never easy to come out and it will never be, that’s the fact that I have accepted but as I grow and mature, I know that time will make it easier for me at least, that’s what I hope, but for now, as long as the TV glows, I have the light to guide myself in the right path, and to still have faith and hope for myself in the future.
Thank you, Jane.
